Write-up By Adam
Elite 2 - TFTs 1
Episode IV: A New Hope
It is a season of war. Rebel teams, striking on the break, had won their first victories against the Elite. During the battle, Elite spies managed to steal secret plans to the Cap 7 Empire’s ultimate weapon, the Long Ball, an antiquated tactic with the power to bore a team into submission and then catch them napping. Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents. In the swamps of Dagobah, Yoda hatched a plan for those who would rather go over us than through us. But was it a plan that could save his Elite and restore parity to the ladder….
Episode V: The Elite Strikes Back
It has been a dark time for the Rebel Elite. Although playing well, Imperial troops had taken points from mighty Elite forces. Stumbling against the dreaded Beaver Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters led by Yoda and Chewie had established a fortress on the remote ice world of Newtown. The evil lord Darth Naenae, obsessed with finding “Route One”, dispatched thousands of probes down field into the far reaches of Elite Territory but were hammered back with a clinical show of force from the resurgent Elite.
Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi
Luke Skywalker had returned from Tattoo-ine (get it) to battle the Bubble Empire. He, Yoda, Chewie, Obi Wan Kenobi, and a handful of Ewoks would lead the charge for a valuable 3 points. JarJar and R2DStu would look on, while C3PO attempted to nervously hide towards the back not realising he was quite the obvious target. As it begun Chewie’s war cry could be heard clearly across the battleground. ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!
The early exchanges left casualties on both sides. Jabba The Hutt had mounted his bobsled and took aim at the vulnerable ankles of Princess Leia, while in the trenches it appeared everyone had put their phasers away and resorted to hand to hand combat instead.
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Without warning there was a disturbance in the force, we were outflanked and our defences breached. The Bubble Empire had landed the first blow. The rest of the half stumbled from set piece to set piece as the Ref’s own troopers questioned his every decision. “I find your lack of faith disturbing” he said as he signalled for yet another hand ball.
Episode II: Attack of the Clones:
Regrouped and renewed the Rebel Elite took to the field of battle again determined to defeat the evil empire once and for all. The tide began to turn as key battles were won all over the field. Several raids were launched on the enemy base but unfortunately one particular Jedi had set his phaser to ‘Stormtrooper’ couldn’t manage to fire a shot on target. Sensing victory but not being able to land a killer blow cracks began to appear in the Elite ranks. It seemed all was lost when Yoda and the Bounty Hunter Lando Calrissian turned on each other but moments later the Greeks could only stand by and cry “ITS A TRAP” as Yoda used the force to levitate over their defence and land a vital blow for the Elite.
Episode III: Revenge of the Elite
Filled with hope the Elite surged on and with Ewok 1 and Ewok 2 combining well on the right and our very own Millenium Falcon on the left, any Greek advances were pushed back. With that dominance on the flanks Obi Wan Kenobi was able to get forward, he took aim and fired to end the War and destroy the Empire.
Yoda CJ - Veteran, leader, green.
JarJar Binks Crespo - An attempt at comic relief that didn’t really work.
Chewbacca Decs - Nobody knows what he is talking about.
Luke Skywalker Nick - No real reason, just couldn’t resist not making the Tattoo-ine reference
Jabba The Hutt Whoever hacked Cory
Princess Leia Cory - I don’t think I need to explain this.
Ewok 1 Damo - Small, furry.
Ewok 2 Marcel - See Damo.
R2DStu Bit obvious isn’t it
Obi Wan Kenobi Andrew - Needs a shorter name. Nobody wants to say “Obi Wan Kenobi”.
Lando Calrissian Stevo - Bounty Hunter. Nuf said.
Millennium Falcon Pete - Runs Box-to-Box in 4 parsecs. Didn’t actually get falconed though.
C3PO Gains - Looks funny when he runs.
3 - Ewok 1
Solid, organised, got forward well and didn’t miss a challenge all day.
2 - Yoda
Got the all important goal to swing the momentum in our favour. Loves beating the Greeks
1 - Ewok 2
Combined with Ewok 1 well and covered some good metres up and down the line in the second half.
Write-up by Crespo (Sent as a PDF...seriously)
Newtown Park the place where Elite dreams have both been made and broken. Whenever you play
in the Orange and Blue this is the place where you most look forward to playing.
Twitter was abuzz pre game with spot odds available for certain players for the game against
CJ to score $1.50, Adam to score $3.00, Niall to score $6.00 and Dave a clean sheet $2.65.
(@Crespo10nz – well worth a follow)
Kick off was delayed a couple of mins to allow the big crowd to arrive which was stuck in the
Newtown Park traffic.
It was a big game for the Elite, coming off back to back losses and the first time in 20 odd games we
had gone 90 mins without a goal we knew we had to get our season back on track.
The Elite were forced into a couple of late changes with Rafter having trouble with his usually
reliable car and Jessiman doing a no show until half time as he was too busy playing with
Buzzlightyear for Angus’s 4th Birthday.
Fowler was given the arms band for his last game for the Elite prior to taking up a 3 month trial with
the same professional European club that CJ played for in 2002.
Kick off eventuated and the first 45 mins pretty much matched the weather. There was only one
team really trying to play football but Naenae to their credit played to the conditions and resorted to
a couple of tactics common in the oval ball code Kicking for territory and the good old up and under.
There were a couple of good lead up plays which resulted in the Naenae keeper making a couple of
good saves but all and all the game pretty much played in the middle of the field.
Half time was called and the Elite made their way to the changing rooms for a half time chat. I wasn’t
privy to the half time speech but whatever was said seemed to have the desired effect.
The Elite game back out with more energy, passion and decided that they were going to assert
themselves on the relegation threatened Naenae.
The Elite pushing forward pounced on a Naenae error. Nick took off down the left getting in behind
their defence. He squared a lovely ball to our striker Andrew who took his time, picked his spot and
slotted it nicely 5m above the crossbar.
Frustrations were beginning to surface for the Elite with the Ref being told in no uncertain terms to
start calling it how we see it .
Finally dead lock was broken with another cross from the left, this time CJ drew the defence with a
‘decoy run’ and Adam trapped the ball on the edge of the box and riffled it in of the left hand post. 1
– 0 Elite.
A couple of mins later the Elite win a corner. A PIN point corner from CJ found the unmarked Stevo
who rose like a Salmon (the fish not the team who got humped 9-0 after us) and finished with a
cracking header. Stevo then peels away to CJ for the man love moment of the game at the corner
Cory got on the end of another cross from Adam and calmy slotted with his left make it 3 zip and
with 10mins to go CJ sends in a freekick from 40 yards out which sails into goal for a 4 nil lead.
A suitable Eto goal celebration from our old timer who then decided that was enough and took his
place on the bench. (congrats on the 50th goal)
Job done, game over and back to the clubrooms more a few quiets and a replay of the game.
3 – Chris Cairns for making it on expensive day for the TAB. Pretty much all spot odds were paid out
3 –Adam. Made an impact when you came on. Scored the all important first goal to break the
deadlock, provided an assist for Corys and took a dive to set up the free kick for CJ to score his 50th
2 – Stevo. Another stellar performance at the back. Pretty much made our keeper redundant and
scored a cracking goal with your head.
1 – Cory Played well stopping any momentum they had in the middle of the park and got off the
Write-up By Dec(s)
After a poor performance last week we were back to the artificial in Wakefield where nobody could use the turf as an excuse.
The squad was boosted with the return of several players meaning we had a squad of 16 to select starters from once Fowler's mummy had brought him down his gear and his earmuffs.
CJ showed us what we had been missing in warmup with his first shot which ended up in Happy Valley. It didn't get much better with shots clearing the fence and not many posing Dave any problems.
The game kicked off and we settled into the game pretty quickly looking to pass the ball around at the back and move it up the wings. The first half hour we created some half-chances from long shots with good interplay from Pete and Nick on the left and Todd and Andrew on the right.
Uni came into it more as the game progressed with their game plan of sitting deep and pumping it long, hoping to catch us on the break becoming apparent.
They got a lucky goal from after we failed to clear the ball which fell to their forward outside the box and he took a shot which took a massive deflection and unfortunately wrongfooted Dave in goal.
Our best chance of the half came right at the death when Jason feinted to shoot, ghosted passed a defender, composed himself and picked his spot in the far corner only for his shot to drift a foot wide.
We started second half brightly getting better possession in their half and earning lots of corners but struggling to get any decent opportunities due to their huge defenders.
Most of our good chances came from long shots where CJ, Fowler and Corey all had decent efforts but we struggled to get opportunities in behind their defence.
They scored a second goal through claiming a throw-in that was ours and quickly taking it. The ball broke to their forward outside the box while half the team moaned at the ref and then shot into the top corner not giving Dave any chance.
The ref ignore our protests frequently saying "What do you want me to do?" - Em the opposite to what you are doing or "F**k off home" came to mind.
We continued to chase the game admirably not letting our heads drop managing to get Andrew in behind the defence once only for it to fall on his bad foot.
Neil's never-say-die spirit showed when the ref ignored a blatant foul on him and he continued to fight for the ball winning two fifty-fifty tackles in a row cleaning out the opponents like a snowplough.
In the end we were a bit unfortunate to lose to the long ball merchants who scored 2 bad goals from their only real chances but we probably should have tested their keeper more
Distributed the ball well setting up attacks from deep and was always in the right position sweeping up at the back.
Boundless energy in defence and always overlapping in attack looking for the ball and set up numerous attacks in the first half.
Aggressive in defence always nipping out in front of their opponents to take the ball. Also, sent a header in the correct direction!!!
Swept up well behind the defence and was blameless for the goals
Saturday May 10 2014 V Tawa Bears Onepoto Park, Titahi Bay (home game for Jase) 2.30pm Kick-off
Write-up By Stu
I must admit, I woke up on Saturday morning thinking there was a possibility that we might be cancelled or transferred given the amount of rain we had during the week. However, a quick look at the capital football website confirmed no cancellation or transfer, so it was game on (home game for Jase) and the Elite were looking forward to putting a couple of wins together and hold on to a top four position on the table.
As I arrived at the ground, the pitch looked to be in pretty good nick given the rain during the week (Where is Jase?). A bit wet around the outer of the pitch, but not too bad (Where is Jase?). The grass was even cut to a respectable level, so we could expect some good footy! Has anyone seen Jase? Not quite like Newtown number 1 or the turf so we all expected a few bobbles today. The Gaffer came prepared for a mud bath by donning his Red Band Gummies! Where is Jase?
We warmed up well and had a pretty good goal scoring ratio in our traditional warm up ‘shooting drill’. Oh and Jase arrived. We formed our usual pre-game huddle and spoke about keeping it simple, playing to feet and getting in early to keep the momentum going. There was some tall timber in the opposing side and with Ganzey out, our team height average had dropped somewhat.
We were in fact the polar opposite unfortunately, flat, quiet, lacked movement and not as eager to get to the 50/50’s as Tawa were. And sure enough they got the go ahead goal with some nice movement through the mid field and out wide, up to the front. Bang 1 nil Tawa.
We even had an actual referee for our game, which is a luxury that we usually don’t get. Some pretty interesting calls throughout the match and pretty quick to blow his whistle on any appeal that the Tawa lads made, no excuses though. I would say it was the same for both, but it didn’t really feel that way. Maybe I am too biased. Niall! Please do not appeal for offsides ‘You think your right because you are British’ one of the Tawa players muttered. Only to get a barrage from Niall, the Gaffer and of course I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So a few 2 cent coins were lobbed his way. He actually apologised minutes later.
We battled to get back into the game, with a few changes of personal from both teams. The Tawa change towards the end of the first half seemed to do them more harm than good. It opened up more space on the left flank for us and we pushed really hard to create an opportunity to get back in the game and square up the match. No luck though, as we headed into the half time break still trailing by a goal.
The discussions were around closing down a few of their problem players, particularly some of the wide and central mid field players who seemed to have plenty of time and space on the ball. The rest of the game became a bit of a blur, a second goal to Tawa, a soft penalty that they converted and not to long after that a fourth to well and truly put us out of touch. We were out played by a team that adjusted to the conditions better, and purely wanted it more than us. We are a better team than the team that turned out on Saturday. It was one of those games for the Elite. It must be that away strip!
I don’t even remember who scored the goal for us…. Someone who is clearly so humble they don’t want to be known – good on you! Dave made a number of good saves and played pretty well although the score line didn’t reflect that. A special mention to the lads that helped us out on the weekend, Luke and Broadie – Cheers!
Heads up for our next challenge on Monday night boys, hopefully we will be back to winning football! Sorry not much to write about after this games lads, so I have included a post Premier League wrap up.
MVP points go to
Steveo - 3 points
Battled hard all game and didn’t give in. Organised as best as he could and never gave an inch in the tackle.
Dec’s - 2 points
Again played really hard all game, but didn’t get the rub of the green.
Humble – 1 point
The guy who scored our goal.
Given there was not much to write about, here is a review of the premier league, players, teams and coaches. Well the funny stuff anyway. Niall’s Gilet also got a mention, do you still fashion that bad boy Niall?
Giving a manager time is pointless
‘Give him time,’ is the battle cry that rings out whenever a manager is struggling, but the last person that policy worked for is Alex Ferguson nearly 30 years ago. This time United did the right thing and ripped the plaster off early by sacking David Moyes.
Managers should not be in technical areas...
Most Newcastle fans think that Alan Pardew should be nowhere near their technical area. Hull’s David Meyler would agree, after receiving an extreme close-up of Pardew’s forehead.
But touchline bans do work
Among the stupider things ever to happen on Tyneside was Pardew picking up a seven-game ban for that pathetic butt. The players decided they couldn’t be bothered if he wasn’t there and promptly lost every game bar one.
Gilets are a bad thing
That famous gilet made Proper Football Man Tim Sherwood look like a Proper Football Idiot, but since Mourinho adopted this foolish fashion item, there is a real danger of kids at home copying it.
Tony Pulis really is a football genius
When Ian Holloway resigned, Palace had four points from 11 games and looked certainties for the drop. Enter another polarising managerial personality and the rest, for Crystal Pulis, is history.
Luis Suarez is redeemable...
Forget the biting and the racially-charged insults. This was the season Suarez proved there is no finer striker in England: powerful, graceful and supremely clinical.
But Fernando Torres is not
Not even Chelsea’s greatest ever manager can get more than 10 goals from the £50 million man. Makes Marouane Fellaini look like a bargain.
Manchester United are just like any other club
Not a sacking club? No, you wouldn’t be after 20 years of unprecedented success. But then no other club in Europe would put up with a slip from champions-by-11 to seventh in the league.
Jose Mourinho will never change
‘The Happy One’? Really? A couple of smiley summer press conferences soon gave way to the usual winter mix of snide comments, foundation-less blasts and no-shows.
In World Cup years, play better in the second half of the season
In autumn, Andros Townsend was the brightest star in England’s firmament. Now he’s not even a speck, thanks to a chronic lack of form and, more recently, fitness and injury.
Yaya Toure is the best player in the Premier League
There are midfield powerhouses, and then there is Yaya. Takes him a while to get going, but when he gets that huge frame moving forward with the ball, he’s like a tank. You can keep your Suarez.
Romelu Lukaku is the best striker Chelsea never had
Everton have won the hearts of neutrals with the high-scoring, attractive football. At the centre of Roberto Martínez’s team is the 17-goal striker whom Jose Mourinho doesn’t seem to rate much.
Sacking your manager is no guarantee of success
Swansea, Sunderland and Palace all showed their manager the door and pulled off escape acts, but sackings were less effective at Cardiff and Norwich. Still, Fulham proved that sacking your manager twice definitely isn’t the best way to go.
Tom Cleverley is not the British Xavi, despite what he says...
Rather than kicking on and becoming England’s answer to Xavi, as he claimed, Tom Cleverley’s career has gone as sideways as one of his passes. This summer will be make or break for the midfielder at Old Trafford. Probably break.
Neither is Joe Allen
Despite being named after the excellent American restaurant in London’s Covent Garden, Joe Allen has failed to live up to the hype as either a midfield magician or a purveyor of fine steaks.
Gareth Barry and James Milner may be England's two best players
For positional sense, game management and footballing intelligence you would be hard pushed to find two more astute English players than James Milner and Gareth Barry.
Christian Benteke - one season wonder
Remember him? Last season he was touted as the answer to every big club’s thirst for more goals. He signed a new contract at Villa and promptly gave up scoring, staying fit and a World Cup spot.
Michael Laudrup was always too cool for the Premier League
Given the opprobrium thrown at Pep Guardiola lately, one has to wonder how much of the affection shown to Swansea last season was because of their possession-based football rather than the biggest man-crush the Premier League has ever known.
Can’t afford good players? Loan them instead
Isn’t Roberto Martinez a clever chap? Miserly Everton would never shell out on big names so the manager brought in Romelu Lukaku and Gareth Barry on loan instead and laughed his way to fifth place.
Beware the power of Michael Jackson (Fulham statue)
Fulham remove Michael Jackson statue. Fulham get relegated. Not a coincidence says former owner Mohamed Fayed: “ The statue was a charm. We removed the luck from the club and now we have to pay the price.”
Jack Wilshere is sadly overrated
Where once the claim “World Class Wilshere” was a proud boast for fans of Arsenal and England, it increasingly feels like an ironic jibe. World Class Physio Outpatient, maybe.
Manchester City are boring under Manuel Pellegrini
The Premier League has been spoiled by Roberto Mancini in the last few years with a regular supply of bust-ups with Mario Balotelli, Carlos Tevez, fellow managers and anyone he could get angry at. Manuel Pellegrini is just a bit dull.
Newcastle fans are the most deluded in the Premier League
Yes, Newcastle lost six matches in a row. Yes, their manager headbutted an opposition player. But they had secured a top-half finish way back in February. Surely that’s worth being a laughing stock for.
Managing Manchester United is not the same as managing Everton
Oh Moyesie. Would that it were. Maybe the cruellest cut of all in his Old Trafford Nightmare ™: Everton are now better than when he was in charge. Oh.
Being Good Football Man (Sherwood etc) does not make you good football manager
A Good Football Man (trans: someone, English by definition, who the pundit played alongside) has been one of the talking-head cliches of the season. None of the GFM can coach, though.
Fourth really is as good as a trophy (judging from Arsenal’s celebrations)
Whatever else you say about Arsene, the magnificent PR campaign he waged to get fourth placed recognised as a huge achievement rather than a failure shows that famous big brain is still working well.
Even when the EPL sucks at least it’s not the Scottish Prem
They used to sneer that it was a two-horse race. Not any more. And the standard of play is slipping year on year.
Chelsea still hate ballboys
Last year Eden Hazard booted a ballboy at Swansea and this year Jose Mourinho warned a Crystal Palace youngster to stop time-wasting or Cesar Azpilicueta would punch him. What do Chelsea have against children fetching footballs?
We still don’t fully understand a quenelle
It took a bunch of French journalists to inform us of Nicolas Anelka’s goal celebration, the FA spent weeks deciding what its significance was, yet still no one is sure what it all means.
A glorious ending is never guaranteed
Manchester City v Liverpool v Chelsea fighting for the title, Arsenal v Everton battling for fourth, half a dozen teams trying to avoid relegation. And yet there was nothing to play for on the final day.
Write-up By Dave
So a rushed effort from me this season as work commitments conspire against my usual well planned write-up efforts. All factual errors were likely intended (or I was just tired) and no correspondence will be entered into with red-headed Karori residents.
The morning started well with the Elite drawn on the hallowed turf that is Newtown Park and raring for a solid performance against the Tawa Saints. These games are always a hard fought battle but the Elite have certainly had the rub of the green in the past so came in full of confidence despite a tough loss the week before.
With the injured gaffer relegated to refereeing duties and not wanting to slip up on the big stage the team were left to their own devices for the warm-up while he sorted out the array of iPhone apps needed to be able to toss a coin – the older generation showing off their mastery of technology once again. The team jogged out onto the park began their stretches and started knocking the ball around just as Jase arrived – apparently getting together the bus fare from passers-by took slightly longer than expected. Life on the streets got even tougher with no kit left for the underprivileged but a quick whip round saw some shorts and top produced and Jase strode out to join the warm-up.
The return of Archer saw the conversion practice get off to a strong start and it wasn’t long before we were ready to get stuck into the game.
An electronically-enhanced coin toss won despite not having a captain and we were underway.
A tense first few minutes saw both teams struggling to settle into the game as soft turnovers went both ways but it was the team in orange that started to hold possession and getting their passes to feet. We worked the ball around nicely and were giving away little at the back – a goal was sure to come.
A goal mouth scramble saw Decs volley home in the top corner what many viewers would have described as an own goal but the loud ramblings as the team jogged back to halfway left no one in any doubt that he was claiming a touch.
Half time and a tight one nil lead but the Elite looking the better team and sure to push for more.
The second half saw a goal from the most humble man on the park – which as his request I won’t discuss further. He claimed at the post-match that he’d rather the focus and MVP points went to other more deserving players.
So with that in mind – a glorious run from Flemo saw one of the finishes of the season so far as he rifled the ball top corner at the front post. A strike that left even CJ mumbling that it was like one he scored back in his first teams days.
We were playing the ball round well now and another through ball saw Cory away. A touch to the left past the defender, followed by a touch back on his right saw the goalies face drop as he knew the strike was to come and he had no chance. Another touch to the right as he looked up to pick a spot – a little goalie waits. A step over and another touch further into the box – the Elite defenders begin to celebrate – Four nil baby! High fives all round as Cory takes another touch and waits for the ball to settle. He lifts his foot to strike and throws his right foot through the ball lacing it towards the top corner. But the foot swings through and hits nothing he overbalances and falls to the dirt. He looks around and the ball is gone - a stealthy raiding party has taken it from him at the last second. Where was the ‘man on’ call I ask?!
But still three nil up in the second half – surely no team could blow a lead like that?
A free kick in our half saw a well floated ball clear a leaping Jason – he might have had a chance if he stood on Gansey’s shoulders – and fall to the feet of a late running striker who comfortably finished it past a stranded keeper. Sadly for the Saints there was to be no three goals in eight minutes to salvage a point here.
Nik came to the party with a late run into the box and a quality first time finish. In classic style the defender putting him onside raised his hand in protest to the ref – but in this case it just happened to be all four of them putting him onside. The Elite had made it safe and the final whistle blew on a four nil result.
Firstly for myself – a fine for the lateness of my write-up and probably an extra two bucks for the self-fine. Hell I might as well just given myself all six points and just wear the fines right since I’m struggling to find time this week to do this!
Alas I best give out some real points. Tough game to give out points in with a lot of solid performances across the park.
Nik – Ran his arse off all day. Made some great covering tackles and got back to defend well. Scored a goal. Good effort for two points there.
Flem – cracker of a finish – the striker union would be gutted if I didn’t give him points for that alone. But made great runs and even called out a few lads in the fine session as well. Two points for “Andy” as well.
Decs – A few weeks on the lash and a couple of packs down saw Decs too puffed at full time to even complete his usual solo warm down but a “goal” and a hell of a lot of talking and running sees him get one point out of this one.
Pete – my god I’ve missed your special brand of running like you are trying to get away from a nuclear bomb and some of the heaviest touches seen since Marcel first picked up a football. It was great to see the Labradoodle out there once again. A point just for enthusiasm!
Hon Mention – has to go to the crew that not only closed down the club rooms but then kicked on for an early hours finish at the Realm. Not to name names but the Sunday morning quote of “I’ve made it as far as the couch without my pants and don’t plan to ever move again” has to sum up the morning after pretty much every solid Elite session in history. Good effort lads.
Elite Match Reports