Write up by Adam

As I walk through the carpark and out to the pitch
I take a look at my Goalie who once had the shits
But that’s just perfect coz the fine book is closed
You all turned up late but that’s how it goes
11.50 in the morning we’re saying cheese
Ganesy drops his guts and my Mrs leaves
And we've been passin' and movin' so long that
Niall thinks that his lungs have gone
Bryns a man with a plan, and likes to have a rip
Got the ball on a string and some hair on his lip
CJ’s 9 on his kit saying prayers for a spot kick.

Been spending most our lives, playing away from Newtown paradise
Even Horton scored once or twice, playing away from Newtown paradise
We’re used to Peter starting fights, playing at the Newtown paradise
We’ll be spending most our night, drinking in the Newtown paradise

The warm up turns to shooting CJ needs to test the nets
Bryn knows where the goal is and rips one in top left.
Gregor at the back post finds our second goal
Scored more times than Horton, I know right, FARKEN LOL
Stevo hadn’t scored a goal even though he deserved it
Someones shot was saved and Stevo hit the scraps
He never passed when he could of but got it through the backs
Adams goal made it four and the Elite were on track
We let them get one back after a mix up with our Sweeper
Their forward ran on through and then nutsed the Keeper
But we weren’t really troubled, so please don't point and stare
We're just counter attackingly impaired

It’s so flat, so wide, no velodrome
It’s quite a luxury
Time to play at home
Nothing like Martin Luckie

Been spending most our lives, playing away from Newtown paradise
Even Horton scored once or twice, playing away from Newtown paradise
We’re used to Peter starting fights, playing at the Newtown paradise
We’ll be spending most our night, drinking in the Newtown paradise

Runnin’ up right side, Tinder Todd from Gore
Pete could’a passed to Horton, but he tried to score
Crespo missed a sitter, Golden boot has slipped away
A lot of pressure on that left foot better luck next May
CJ’s name goes on the boot but this time there’s a friend
Tied up at six apiece and that was how it ends
They can’t be mad, they had some fun
But poor ‘Ol Ganes and Tom will be on the Nudie Run

Been spending most our lives, playing away from Newtown paradise
Even Horton scored once or twice, playing away from Newtown paradise
We’re used to Peter starting fights, playing at the Newtown paradise
We’ll be spending most our night, drinking in the Newtown paradise



3 – Bryn: My moustachioed homie played a blinder to finish off the season. Ripper goal and lots of good scraping for 50/50’s

 
2 – Greg: Great composure and distribution from the back. Scored another goal with his face and generally bossed it when he came into the midfield.

 
1 – Todd: Tough break to have to ref the last minutes of the season but is one of those guys that works all day and probably doesn’t get the recognition he deserves.

 

BNU Phoenix 2 – 1 WU Elite       

Write-up By Niall
 
Saturday.  Game Day.  The day where amateur dreams are made (that do not involve home videos).

 

Happy Valley.  Field of wet dreams.  Back to where it all began for SteveO and Niall (in a non-romantic sense of course.  We are not a couple).

 
BNU Phoenix.  Rising from the flames of some car they probably just petrol-bombed.

 

The Elite.  The good guys, the heroes of our story and all-round pack of good c*nts.

 
The Stage was set.  The day, the pitch, the combatants. 
 

Roll Call.  Which of Pete’s mates would fail to show today?  Was Ganes drunk somewhere (probably)?  Does Doug know what day it is?  Does Dave have his incontinence pants on this week?  Can someone bring the right sized boots for Noel?  Exactly how much product does CJ put in his hair?  Is Stu injured?  That last one is not really a question to be fair.

 
Warm Up.  Check.

 
Game On.

 
The Elite completely dominate the first 25 minutes, without really created any clear cut chances for our Striker.   BNU creep back into the game, with a number of attacks coming down the Elite right side, via their burly winger.  One attack results in a bit of a goal mouth scramble and, after a tackle deflects straight into their player’s path, BNU take the lead 1-0.

 

The Elite continue to play well and miss a golden opportunity to level before half time.  The score remains 1-0 at half time.

 
Due to some shoddy management, The Elite only had 2 subs, and when one of them pinged both his hammies, we were up against the wall.  Some great 1-on-1 play saw Toddy done like a dinner and BNU took a 2 goal lead.

 

However, the Elite dug in and kept playing, and were finally creating some more chances, which coincided with Stevie getting (formally) moved up to play as a 3rd striker.  To be fair, he played most of the game up that end of the field anyway, so this was just a rubber-stamp move by the gaffer.

 
In the vein of creating chances, our fleet-footed left winger was creating all sorts of havoc down his wing.  On one occasion, he beats 3 players cutting into the box, and then, after doing yet another defender with a majestic turn, was cynically scythed down by a BNU defender in the box.  Despite the dramatic nature of the fall, the ref inexplicably waved play on.  I can only assume that the large chorus of laughter was sarcastically meant for the ref.


Finally, the Elite managed to break through and score.  CJ beautifully curling the ball in the outside of his right boot.  He pointedly ignored Crespo after scoring, who was shaking his head with ever-increasing ferocity.  One can only imagine this was in disbelief of the quality of finish he had just seen.  Score was now 2-1.

 
With the Elite back in the game, and Crespo knuckling (kneeling) down to see out the game, one final, golden, glorious, chance was to present itself.  However, despite his best efforts (and it was a difficult chance to take), CJ’s header back across goal drifted inches wide.  BNU then changed the ref about 20 times in an attempt to time-waste, and the game finished 2-1 to them.

 
Great effort by The Elite and a much better showing than the reverse fixture.  Ultimately though, another game that slipped away.

 
MVP Points:

3 – SteveO.  Seemed to everywhere, probably because he is desperate to score, and was a catalyst to creating more opportunities up front.

2 – CJ.  Scored a great goal.  Could have had a hat-trick on any other day.  Worked hard all game.

1 – Adam.  Won a lot of tackles in the middle of the field and got forward to support whenever he could.

Write-up by CJ

Naenae 0 Elite 3

Scorers: Bryn, CJ & Adam

While a good number of grades were cancelled for the weekend, Cap 7 was on and the Elite keen for another 3 points against a young Naenae team.

CJ woke on Saturday morning knowing it wasn’t going to be all roses as he had a text from Adam saying that Barton had pulled out and Dave had the squirts so could I get anyone to help us out from the bench.  Many texts later and it was no go as the Honey Badgers had raided the cancelled teams already.

After a delayed departure from Hataitai, CJ arrived at Fraser Park late but still able to find large shorts to avoid a kit abuse fine.  His day got better when Adam asked if he was happy to play keeper in Dave’s absence.  A reluctant yes followed on the basis it was for a half only and Niall duly stepped up for the second half.

Now that was sorted, the team talk revolved around playing our own game, winning the 50/50s and going the full 90 minutes as the young Naenae team would be up for it if we gave them a sniff.

First half kicked off and it was Elite from the off. 

We won everything in the air and got plenty of balls out wide but just lacked quality final ball into the box.

Crespo had a number of chances but was showing a bit of rust due to a lack of recent football over the last few weeks.  In saying that, our finishing was poor all round compared to the warm up when no one could miss.

Finally we were able to get a shot on target from Bryn and the keeper gifted him a goal by letting the ball get through him.  1-nil to Elite.  (Not sure it warranted the fist in the air pump Bryn J)

For the rest of the half Elite were still creating a lot but Naenae had a number of chances also – one against the cross bar and one against the post but we managed to keep them out and go into the half time break with a 1-nil lead.

With our massive one man bench at our disposal, we made a change upfront with CJ switching from keeper to striker, Niall from midfield to keeper and Crespo getting a spell on the side lines.   Team talk was to keep our composure, keep it tight and the goals would come.

Second half kicked off and Elite took control straight away with great passing and creating plenty of space out wide for Tom and Doug to run into.

There was further frustration for the Elite on the scoring front as plenty of opportunities weren’t taken - Doug had 2 or 3 chances off layoffs from CJ, CJ with a missed header from a great Bryn corner and a couple of scuffed shots wide from others.

However, Tom and Doug continued to toil out wide and a great ball down the wing saw Tom with his head up to play a great left footed cross into CJ who got in front of his defender to put the ball in for 2-nil Elite.

At this point Naenae’s heads went down and the Elite continued to press.    Next moment a late tackle on Adam saw him push the perpetrator on the ground only for the lad to jump up and punch Adam in the back of the head – key weekend WWE wrestler Pete “the Pistol” Archer to come flying in to Adam’s defence with flying head lock slam on said perpetrator!  This resulted in a few handbag but end result was the young Naenae lad sent to the side lines in disgrace with a few choice words following him off!

At this point football was back on the menu and another run out wide from Doug lead to a ball reaching Adam (who was now fired up to get on the score sheet) who managed to keep his shot on the deck, having missed a golden opportunity earlier, to place it inside the far post – 3-nil Elite.

With 10 minutes to go, the call came out from Steveo to CJ to switch to striker to get off the nudie run as the defence hadn’t had much to do for the 2nd half.  One opportunity came for Steveo but again the nudie run beckons!

The final whistle blew on another 3 points for the Elite, 3 goals and a clean sheet reward for a decent effort but again leaving behind plenty of opportunities to add to the goals for column.

After 90 minutes for majority of the lads, it was back to the Parrot & Jigger for a few deserved Panheads, a couple of classic Ganesy calls and light hearted fine session!!

MVP Points:

3 points – Tom – Best game of the season for Tom.  A missed opportunity to square early on was more than made up for by great wing play & plenty of effort with only a goal missing from a strong performance.

2 points – Doug –Created plenty of opportunities and with greater belief in his ability to beat a man and shoot first time could have had a hat trick on another day. Always good to have both wingers having a good day!

1 point – Bryn – Dogged effort in the middle of the park, harassing their midfield and good loud calls in winning plenty of ball in the air.  Topped off with a goal!

Elite 4 - 2 Naenae

Write-up by Dave

It’s a typical pre-match evening. The Elite prepare for yet another battle – each team member focused on their usual pre-match rituals:

Niall sneaks outside for some fresh air

Crespo wears his favourite disco shirt while rocking a baby to sleep

CJ quietly flirts with the bartenders at the realm

Adam does all the shit Dave has been too busy to do

Jase selects a suitable box for the night

Stu nurses a calf injury

Dave is still at work.

Pete chases a ball through the streets

Ganes ducks through a doorway but is too hungover to stand up again

Damo flies to yet another city to bail out one of his mules – I mean to run an “expo”

Todd plots ways to avoid people showing up to his birthday party

SteveO balances a ball on his nose and claps

Scott falls down yet another cliff to impress a girl

Doug gets dropped home by the cops

Tom isn’t a doctor-

Bryn strokes his glorious moustache

Horton stands on a breakwater with his fist in the air, re-enacting his favourite scene from his favourite movie

Greg wishes Adam still snuggled up with him on cold nights

Noel consoles Greg

Decs eats a potato

Game day arrives and a scramble in made from workplaces all over the city to make it to Wakefield on what promises to be a cold and windy night. Tragedy strikes. Not a breath of wind in sight – how will be know which wing to play it down in the first half?

Some dodgy number conversion by an elderly gentleman leaves newest recruit Noel without a pair of shoes for the match (or perhaps Jase’s feet were extra cold that night). Some quick re-arranging leaves the team fully shod but several players in some interesting sizes. The five minute warning from the ref actually turns out to be the kick- off whistle. Dave “Clown Shows” Richardson sprints onto the pitch and following a couple of silky touches by the mid-field he runs onto a glorious through-ball from Ganes and laces it home first time. 1-0. Dream start to the match. For Naenae.

Yet another first ten minute horror show out of the way and the Elite begin to settle into their work properly.

The game was a stark contrast – one team trying to play long balls and get in behind, while the other works its forward along the  deck and tries (sometimes unsuccessfully) to hold possession and look for better chances.

A pacey backline and the lack of wind favours the Elite as we cut out long balls well and frustrate their forwards, continuing to play our game and the chances come.

I won’t pretend to know the order of the goals nor am I even convinced on the goal scorers at this point – YAY work-lifer balance!

Naenae score from a very good header connecting onto a perfectly floated cross but at this point they are already behind.

But a double to Noel – including an extremely cool striker’s finish and a well won looping header from Greg leaves the Englishmen flat securing the result for the Elite – leaving Horton the odd-man out but luckily he’s not the sort to get wound up about such things. Oh and that other goal but that doesn’t really fit into this particular narrative (Sorry Damo!).

Horribly late write-up lads sorry!

MVP points

2 Points – Noel - You’re basically leading the golden boot now aren’t you? In my boots no less!
2 Points - Adam - Controlled the mid-field well, set-up chances and also puts up with how unhelpful I am with organising at the moment!
1 Point – Damo – cut out long balls well and got on the score sheet.
1 Point – Greg – continues to boss his area as well as chipping in with goals, who can complain about that.

-10 Points – Me - what a shocker. At least I know one award I’m winning this year!

Write-up by Pete

Twas the night before Game Day, when all through the clubs
The Giraffe was stirring, boozing it up
Toddy was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of tinder matches danced in his head.

Crespos boots were hung by the door with little care,
Knowing CJ would say ‘good work son you did me proud out there’.
Horton woke with a startle thinking he heard a who
When nothing was to be seen he snuggled back into a naked Shamoo

When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter,
The Elite sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
Kissing their loved ones farewell and giving Shamoo and pash.
Away to the field the Elite flew like a flash,

On the field Seatoun were milling around 
Like cats being led to a killing ground
Not a ref to be seen and half of Seatoun were late
We could even overhear them saying “What are the rules on throw ins mate”

Kick off occurred, so lively and quick,
CJ trying to pull off a younger mans trick.
10min in with a puff and a wheeze 
Seatoun scored with far too much ease

Before we knew it we were 3 nil down
Half time was called with the Elite showing a frown
The second half was off to a late start 
Some Seatoun player was pottering about like an old fart

Finally real football was being played 
The Elite hoped that Dreams could be made
Disco Stu scored with a might hoof 
Then played it off acting all aloof

One of the Seatoun players had a glass knee
Always eating the turf to earn his acting fee
Decisions were reversed 
Leading the ref to be cursed

At 90 minutes the whistle did blow
Looks of disappointment the Elite did show
It was then off to the pub for the 3rd half
This one we won while having a laugh

God damn that took most of my Monday to write, you better appreciate it. But in all seriousness I think we started a bit rusty (more beers needed on Friday I think) but in the second half we really upped our game and played some damn good football. It was a real shame we couldn’t secure the draw but it was a superb day for football and the sun made the beers taste all the sweeter.



3 Points – Goes to the second best goal this season (let’s face it mine was far more glorious) and also Stus ball distribution for the full 90.

1 Points – Tom, not an easy day to run up and down the side line but I thought you ran more than anyone else on the field and managed to deliver some decent crosses and was a shame about that damn post getting in the way

1 Point – Greg, constantly getting involved in the tackles and never letting up during the game

1 Point – Toddy, with Damn once again at the annual Pimp convention Toddy stepped up and managed to do some good sweeping work to keep the opposition out. Feel free to use the above as a quote on your tinder profile Toddy.