Elite 2 - 4 Alt-JJs

Write-up By Tim
​
The new look Elite were to travel to Wakefield Park for the Wednesday Night fixture against the Alt JJs. I’ll give it to them, thats pretty funny, but the Elite were all business and arrived with their stern faces on (Especially Decs.) Perhaps everyone had their game faces on, or perhaps everyone was quietly seething at the fact we had a mid-week 6'o’clock fixture in the middle of a rain/hail and thunderstorm. Nonetheless the lads took to the field mildly warm and ready to rumble, expecting big things after a positive pre-season.  


Unfortunately the start was not what the boys were hoping for, against the wind, the Elite struggled to bring the ball down on to the deck and the pressing of the JJs made us suffer in the opening minutes. Eventually, after not getting tight enough at the edge of the box, the opposition launched a curler, and there wasn’t much Dave could do about it in the swirling and unpredictable wind. 0-1 JJs. 


We passed it off as a fluke, and slowly worked our way into the game. Turk made himself a useful outlet up the wing, and managed to skin just about every defender he came up against. The lads were getting the ball into the box, and while far from our best, were making chances. However the JJs were the ones who came up with the second goal. Dave did well to parry the shot from distance, but the JJs striker was hungry and rushed in for a tap in. 0-2. 


The Elites first real chance of the half fell to Niall, who came in central off the left wing to lash a venomous volley from outside the box that looked destined to go in off the boot, but sailed over the crossbar for a goal kick. 


Morale then seemed to drop for the lads. The moment of the half was an explosive break from emergency loanee, the bionic man, Fitsy from the Tuataras, who broke up the left and fizzed a quality ball into the box with the outside of the boot, which Shane just about got to. But perhaps it was that kind of half for the Elite, it just wasn’t quite happening for us and the result was a goal kick. 


Things were happening for the JJs though. A cross into the box somehow managed to find the head of a JJs player despite about 5 orange shirts being around him, and he headed in from 6 yards. 


Heads were down as we entered the sheds. But the points we went over ended up helping the lads swing the pendulum of the game the other way. 


After only a few minutes of the first half, Turk pounced on a dusty clusterfuck of a goal-kick from the JJs keeper and poked it bottom left to bring the score to 1-3. 


Not long after, the boys were in again. Shane tussled with Damo the traitor in the box, to try and get on the end of a cross, but it was super-sub Gav who managed to flick the ball towards the net. The keeper got a palm to it, but could only help it in, and the comeback looked imminent. 


The pressure was mounting, and the JJs truly looked like they didn’t want to be there anymore, as there were murmurings from their striker of “should we call it off”. No dice sorry mate, the Elite are feeling vicious. During this period, we started playing some body good football, we managed to string some passes together and find some space on the wings, while the JJs largely resorted to hail mary’s. 


However disaster struck for the lads in Orange. The JJs whipped in a corner, and managed to get a head on it, Decs wasn’t far enough away to react, and the ball bounced off his face and touched a hand. The ref (who its worth pointing out was a JJ ref) pointed straight to the spot. The call was harsh, and the lads weren’t happy about it, but football is football. We couldn’t even laugh about the hilarious falcon on Decs! we were too frustrated about having to wait in the cold for a pen. Dave guessed the wrong way and that was that. 2-4 JJs 


Unfortunately, that seemed to take the wind out of the Elites sails, and the quality in the football from both teams seemed to disappear from there on. 


While we were the better side in the second half, and can be frustrated with the penalty call going against us, at the end of the day, the deficit was too much and the lads left Wakefield cold and bitter, with a cup of (very milky) tea courtesy of the bloody good rooster that is manager of the Island Bay clubrooms. 


MVP points:

• 3 Turk: Always an outlet on the wing, made no mistake with the goal and looked hungry for the ball always. Played in some great passes 

• 2 Angus. in the conditions everyone made some mistakes, but Angus did the hard yards and made up for them, and provided great cover when other defenders made errors. 
• 1 Stu: worked hard in the midfield, made some crucial tackles, and got back to support the defenders quickly. Also comfortable on the ball. 

The Hoof - Best Defender - Damo
The Box to Box - Best Midfielder - Declan
The Fox in the Box - Best Striker - Shane
The Greenhorn - Rookie of the year - Shane
The George Best – the Spirit of the Elite. The Players' Player. Elite personified - Greg
The Emile Heskey - Miss of the season - Nik
The Paul Ifill - Best (worst?) off-field banter - Henry
The Mexted - Best (worst?) on-field call - Declan
The Usher - Goalkeeping howler of the year - Roger
The Bendtner - Most Over-rated Player – Henry/Crespo
The Blanket Man - Most homeless/dirty looking - Henry
The Cantona – Arrogance personified – CJ/ Clem
The Falcon - Best ball to face moment - Adam
The Garth - Best club/team man - Dave
The Cat - Save of the year - Tim
The Hayden Foxe - Disgraceful act of the season - Henry
The Luis Suarez - Mr. Win at all costs - Declan
The Doppelganger - Best Celebrity look alike - Nik
The Muscat - Most Versatile - Jason
The Neymar - Best Dive - CJ
The Peter Crouch - Worst goal celebration – Adam
The Phelps - Random Act of the season - Tim & Angus/Henry
The O.T.P - One Trick Pony – Turk/Adam
The Pulitzer – Best Write-up - Roger
The McCabe - One-Man-Band of the year - Jay
The Roy Keane - Best Nut Off - Niall
The Top Drawer - Goal of the Season - Declan
The Vince Lia - Worst touch - Rori
The Wayne Barnes - Worst refereeing - Dave
The Vinnie Jones - Best Foul or Hatchet man – Greg/Nik
The Wayne Rooney - Most Traitorous Act of Season - Declan
The Whiskey - Comedy Air-swing of the year – Angus/CJ


For full details contact Dave...

Elite 0  - 3 Seatoun 
​Write-up by Dave

It was the night before matchday, when all through the city the Elite were a’stirring….
 
Gus ate poutine and tried to remember the name of the curly haired lad he used to hang out with.
Roger sharpened his quill and filled yet another parchment with his latest daily deeds.
Blake roamed the streets on his bike seeking the latest parked car to be part of his ongoing ACC scam.
Adam put on the captains armband and flexed in front of a mirror.
Tim sobbed quietly while flicking through old photo albums of him and Gus.
Niall awoke from yet another dream of that glorious day on Fraser 4.
Steve was a seal.
CJ wished he was too, but he knew…
Dave tried to get the line-up out before midnight.
Turk replied to the availability email.
Shane sipped again from the fountain of youth
Ganes continued cutting down the forests of Wellington.
Henry tie-dyed some t-shirts.
Decs started his warm-up.
Clem surrendered to his love of cheese.
Greg hit on girls in the gym.
Damo called a guy.
Jason paid off some more of Jay’s fines
Rori donned his superman cape.
Jay studied the maps from last Saturday trying to figure out where he’d gone wrong.
Nik wandered through the city streets with a lady on each arm and two more in tow.
KJ kitted up.
Pete was still running.
 
Before long it was matchday…
A severely depleted Seatoun side battling to save themselves from relegation luckily had more than a few players with seasons already finished more than willing to turn out and turn their hand at the lower grades.
After a tough season of our own however, the Elite were more than up for the fight and it showed early on. Despite facing some high quality players through the middle of the park the Elite were in for every tackle and winning more than their fair share of the ball. Passes were sticking for the most part and some good football was being played.
 
Despite a shaky first touch of the ball that Greg “claimed he always had covered” as it rolled millimetres wide of the post, he looked the part between the sticks. A crucial one on one save sliding in at the strikers feet to claim the ball the most notable chance of the first half for Seatoun. The Elite although getting forward often couldn’t get the penetration into the box (Ganesy stop giggling) they wanted and a cruelly stopped header destined for the top corner the most likely of the chances.
 
The half time recruits arrived for IBU…I mean Seatoun and the Townsend boys ran on to try and help maintain the clubs Cap 6 spot, as a group of first team players struggled for the necessary goal against a group of weekend warriors. Blake had been drafted in for his stint under the gloves and looked the part (despite Decs complaints to give him a hat) an assured first few grabs and the sideline’s fears were allayed.
 
A second half highlight, or maybe that should be a season highlight saw Ganesy’s golden opportunity. The ball at his feet and an open net in front of him. The giraffe legs skated across the mud towards the ball and much to everyone’s delight struck it cleanly! The ball rocketed towards the net with gasps from the crowd as it was surely in…only to be denied but a butt save from the keeper (well maybe thigh but it really matter).
 
The extra legs made the difference sadly and a solid 70 minute performance by the Elite was destined to be undone at the final hurdle as Seatoun came away with some late goals that Blake couldn’t do anything about. The last laugh for the season however went to Vic Uni as the underdogs took all three points in their clash to ensure that despite the best efforts of a dubiously graded Seatoun team relegation was the only possible outcome.
 
MVP Points:
2 Shane – Tireless work up front all day. Deserved a goal but it simply wasn’t to be.
2 Decs – Similar tireless work in the midfield although he was a bit quieter than usual!
1 Nik – Good shift keeping his pacey opposite number under wraps for most of the match.
1 Ganes – Did all the hard work getting up there for the best chance on goal of the match. Unlucky big fella.

Wellington United Elite 6 – 1 Lower Hutt City

Write-up by Rori.
 
Ummmm ok there is something not right here second game of the season and we got pummelled by the cellar dwellers, on reflection we were a few chromosomes short of a jellyfish in goal and probably could have done better placing a couch in goal so we waited 19 long weeks for this game.
 
The email comes out from CJ right lads putting our best 11 forward to start we need revenge playing the coveted 3-5-2 formation be there at 11.40. Saturday morning 11.30 I show up and the biggest shock of the game Turk is the freaking early, this is either a good sign or a really bad sign. Right lads lets warm up, oh boy this is looking good Tim & Jay two of the starting 11 are MIA and henry is nowhere to be seen, manager Dave is frantically calling around as we double check we have 11 to kick off, phew don’t worry Lads we have 12 while the opposition has 10 and a 10 year old.
 
Jay calls in he decided to go visit the hockey turfs on Glenmore st he will be here ASAP, Ahh here is the oppositions keeper right we have a game on our hands once the keeper kits up, oh Sh*t Tim sends a message he is having a freaking milkshake at some café with his Angus replacement (Seriously Tim moving on from Angus so quick).
 
Eventually we kicked off with Dave on the whistle, a back and forth first half as the Elite settled and started to take control, the first goal coming from what looked like some brilliant passing around the top of the box that was in reality some pinball with everyone swinging at it and the ball popping out to the top of the box where an angry Decs bleeding from receiving an elbow to the nose decides to welly it harnessing the Irish red mist straight into the back of the net before promptly running to the side-line to clean his face up while refusing a sub as the opposition jokingly (I think) says they refused to tackle him due to the blood.
 
A bit more back and forth as the opposition didn’t really look like challenging the Elite goal with our back 3 led by the vocal Stevo cleaning pretty much everything up, the other highlights of the first half were Nicks first kick out from goal going straight in the air and landing just outside the box while Decs shouts “encouragement” to Nick to do better and Greg shouts “encouragement” to Decs to stop shouting “encouragement” and face the play.
 
With the end of the first half approaching one of the Lower Hutt midfielders decided they had had enough kicking the ball and flapped at it with his wings like a mentally impaired chicken, up steps CJ the set piece kick of Newtown 2 whipping in a ferocious free kick aiming for Stevo at the back post who comes in head first and the balls in the back of the net elite 2-0.
 
Half time hey Tim showed up!! Still no Henry guessing he decided he enjoys fines more than footy, Oh ok looks like the opposition got some reinforcements in the shape of two young lads, one has more beads in his hair than a Taxi drivers therapeutic car seat. Team talk work hard, watch the new guys blah blah LETS GET IT.
 
Gainsy steps into goal and the opposition changes shape to the coveted 3-3-4 formation throwing everything they have up front to be shortly rewarded with a long range goal with the ball up in the sun Gainsy had no chance, although he says he did it purposely to keep his name on the nuddy run list, a quick formation change to bring another man into the backline rightened the ship but we were still having trouble up front with getting the ball in the midfield and trying to play over the defence for our strikers to run onto which wasn’t working, in comes some tactical genius throwing Jay up front to start running rings around people and quickly we were up 4-1 after two quick goals through good team play, the opposition put there heads down and we banged in another 2 but not before Greg got upset with circles being run round him and promptly chopped the playmaker on the opposition grinning as he walked away.
 
Final score 6-1 with goals to Decs x2, CJ, Greg, Adam and one still being contested in the Clubbies, Stevo claiming he got a touch to the free kick while CJ claims it was already over the line.
 
Points
Jase 3 – Outstanding shift, couple of early giveaways in the first half but a man on fire at the back absolutely dominating everything near him
Roger 2 – A massive shift in a back 3 up against a two or three lads that broke like lightning
Jay 1 – shook off some early rust to come alive second half

Elite 2 - 4 SV CIna

Write-up by Blake

​There was a game, orange played yellow, that's where this story should probably end... BUT it doesn't.

The Gods couldn't have created a finer day for some footy, and playing on Newtown 1 came with some mandatory, inspirational pre-game chatter.

SV were slightly underestimating the Elite with their starting lineup of 7-0-0. But we thought it gentlemanly to wait until all 11 Valleains found their way out of the shadows before really hammering down. 

With half of the Valley team looking like they had stayed up all week prepping for the game, we were off. 

Some quality footy from both sides made for an entertaining first 30. Elite were keeping the pressure on with some quality plays down both wings, and mighty-ducking it through the middle of the park. 

Elite deservedly went one up, only to neglect to mark the one SV'ian camping in front of the Elite goal. 1-1.

Steve was out for some fisticuffs, Damo was shrugging off haymakers, Henry was swooping (sorry mate). Greg, determined to nab a cheeky goal from within the Elite half, unluckily only managed to chip some paint from the woodwork. 

A handful of promising leadups from Niall through the Elite backline - Magoo, Rory, Steve, Henry - and up the wings unfortunately led to nada.

With 'Tweak', 'mayweather' and 'who-even-needs-shins-anyway' leading the aggressive SV charge, the Elite were rattled. Perfect time to implement the hoof and hope tactic. SV snuck one in with a man open in front of the Elite goal; 2-1 to S... no wait, 3-1... err make that 4-1. 

The Elite backline stepped up with some solid defence late in the second half. Clem and Turkey were causing havoc down the wings and through the middle of the park, with CJ holding his own despite being swamped by yellow shirts.

Some last minute ring-in nabbed a cheeky second Elite goal to make a final score of 4-2. 

All around some quality footy was played by the Elite, with a heartening first half and final 15. Pity about that middle 30... Bring on next week huh.

2 - Tim. Solid as ever with no shortage of textbook slides - always appreciated. 
2 - Clem. Welcome back, great to have that aggressivness down the wings to keep the pressure on. 
1 - Decs. Difficult to not give this man some MVP points.
​1 - Turk. Must have played a part in almost all of Elite's attacks.