Round 9 - Vs Petone Chicago, Wilton Park, 28 May

Write up: Patrick

Elite 6-1 Petone

I’m writing this at 6:45am on Sunday morning with a rapidly failing memory and a raging hangover. The Champions League final is about to kick off and I don’t think I’m capable of leaving bed any time soon. Couldn’t care less who wins, none of these guys are as good as my boys Ozil and Sanchez.

Anyway, after a disappointing loss last week the Elite were looking to bounce back against Petone, who haven’t had the best of starts to the season. Some heartbreaking news had filtered through the night before, as we had been moved from the glorious Newtown Park to Wilton Park. Where the fu…

Why is Alicia Keys singing in the prematch? Terrible.

Once we had all made our way to Wilton and Clem had almost totalled his car, it was time to get some drills done to get the bodies warm in weather that made me feel like I never left the city of the future. Not much to note here, just Ross being flat-footed.

Ramos scores. Offside. Twat. Cool haircut though.

Right from the first whistle, we had Petone under pressure, but the conditions were hurting our touches (it’s a valid excuse I swear). Don’t need good footwork when you’re Steve, who’s always hunting around the box for set pieces. Stu whips in a great ball, and Steve thumps home his third of the season. I’m now being outscored by two defenders, brilliant.

We continued to pile on the pressure, but struggled to find the final ball. Adam chipped a great ball to the back post for me to easily finish on my left foot. If I had a left foot. Still 1-0. Luckily, it didn’t take long for Ross to snap his lengthy goal drought. A poor clearance came straight to him, he beat his man and dinked it over the keeper. Very tempting to steal a tap-in but I received enough fines for this game.

Just discovered a half-eaten pizza next to my bed. Score!

Petone pulled one back soon after, but Stu quickly restored the two goal lead with his first of the season following some good work down the left from Crespo. Late in the first half, a through ball was cut out by a charging Dave who took a knee to the kidneys from a teenage striker with a terrible mullet. Done for the day, he handed the gloves to our departing Englishman Greg who instantly took up a starting position closer to halfway than his own goal line. 3-1 halftime.

Carrasco equalises for Atletico. Celebrates with the Mrs. She’s decent.

10 seconds into the second half and Greg pops his calf. Great cameo appearance on his farewell, and now CJ takes the gloves. Meanwhile I’m getting worried that I might be next in line. Oh Ross scored again. Cool 4-1. (I can’t remember how any of these goals happened…)

I’ve just realised I’m changing tense from present to past every few sentences. My Waikato communications lecturers would be so disappointed in me. Pepe is a disgrace by the way. Get up.

Not too much else happened for the rest of the game. Lots of messy football, Stu doubled his tally with a tidy finish and Ross bagged another hattrick (share them around). Other notable events were Neill blazing over when he looked certain to open his account, Louis losing two balls over the fence, everyone realising that I will never be a midfielder, and CJ threatening to kill a teenager. Solid enough stuff at the back to ensure we were never in any danger. 6-1 win, three points, and a big bar tab to send off Greg. Safe travels mate.

Real Madrid win for the 11th time. Greedy.


MVP Points:

Some good performances all over the field today in tricky conditions, but I’ll take the easy way out and go with the goal-scorers.

3 - Ross. Cruising towards the golden boot by only scoring in bunches. Pace was too much for Petone’s defenders.

2 - Stu. Tidy two goals and did well in the middle to get attacks going.

1 - Steve. Always a threat on corners, and didn’t do too much wrong.