Write up: Patrick
Elite 6-1 Petone
I’m writing this at 6:45am on Sunday morning with a rapidly failing memory and a raging hangover. The Champions League final is about to kick off and I don’t think I’m capable of leaving bed any time soon. Couldn’t care less who wins, none of these guys are as good as my boys Ozil and Sanchez.
Anyway, after a disappointing loss last week the Elite were looking to bounce back against Petone, who haven’t had the best of starts to the season. Some heartbreaking news had filtered through the night before, as we had been moved from the glorious Newtown Park to Wilton Park. Where the fu…
Why is Alicia Keys singing in the prematch? Terrible.
Once we had all made our way to Wilton and Clem had almost totalled his car, it was time to get some drills done to get the bodies warm in weather that made me feel like I never left the city of the future. Not much to note here, just Ross being flat-footed.
Ramos scores. Offside. Twat. Cool haircut though.
Right from the first whistle, we had Petone under pressure, but the conditions were hurting our touches (it’s a valid excuse I swear). Don’t need good footwork when you’re Steve, who’s always hunting around the box for set pieces. Stu whips in a great ball, and Steve thumps home his third of the season. I’m now being outscored by two defenders, brilliant.
We continued to pile on the pressure, but struggled to find the final ball. Adam chipped a great ball to the back post for me to easily finish on my left foot. If I had a left foot. Still 1-0. Luckily, it didn’t take long for Ross to snap his lengthy goal drought. A poor clearance came straight to him, he beat his man and dinked it over the keeper. Very tempting to steal a tap-in but I received enough fines for this game.
Just discovered a half-eaten pizza next to my bed. Score!
Petone pulled one back soon after, but Stu quickly restored the two goal lead with his first of the season following some good work down the left from Crespo. Late in the first half, a through ball was cut out by a charging Dave who took a knee to the kidneys from a teenage striker with a terrible mullet. Done for the day, he handed the gloves to our departing Englishman Greg who instantly took up a starting position closer to halfway than his own goal line. 3-1 halftime.
Carrasco equalises for Atletico. Celebrates with the Mrs. She’s decent.
10 seconds into the second half and Greg pops his calf. Great cameo appearance on his farewell, and now CJ takes the gloves. Meanwhile I’m getting worried that I might be next in line. Oh Ross scored again. Cool 4-1. (I can’t remember how any of these goals happened…)
I’ve just realised I’m changing tense from present to past every few sentences. My Waikato communications lecturers would be so disappointed in me. Pepe is a disgrace by the way. Get up.
Not too much else happened for the rest of the game. Lots of messy football, Stu doubled his tally with a tidy finish and Ross bagged another hattrick (share them around). Other notable events were Neill blazing over when he looked certain to open his account, Louis losing two balls over the fence, everyone realising that I will never be a midfielder, and CJ threatening to kill a teenager. Solid enough stuff at the back to ensure we were never in any danger. 6-1 win, three points, and a big bar tab to send off Greg. Safe travels mate.
Real Madrid win for the 11th time. Greedy.
Some good performances all over the field today in tricky conditions, but I’ll take the easy way out and go with the goal-scorers.
3 - Ross. Cruising towards the golden boot by only scoring in bunches. Pace was too much for Petone’s defenders.
2 - Stu. Tidy two goals and did well in the middle to get attacks going.
1 - Steve. Always a threat on corners, and didn’t do too much wrong.
Elite 2 - 3 BNU Phoenix
Write up by Roger.
– to be read in the style of ‘The Rime of the Ancient Mariner’
It is an ancient footballer,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy spiked grey hair and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?
Basque does some great Sangria
And I really want a drink;
I don’t want to hear your old mans’ tales,
If that is what you think.’
He holds him with his aggressive gaze,
He cannot choose but hear,
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The downbeat footballer.
‘The pitch was wet, the game was set,
Some people got there late,
Down the Valley, on Pitch 2,
Phoenix were to meet their fate.
The game kicked off and things looked good
Despite some occasional slips,
Dave punched a ball out from a corner
Whilst Adam licked his lips.
A three week drought was ended then,
As some passing broke us through,
The goalie went right, Adam shot left,
His goal-streak began anew.
One-nil up at half time and
The enemy seemed dead,
Tim’s sister swooned at our use of width,
And Ganes even tried to head.
But then, they grabbed a goal, O Christ!
This half looked like a slog,
The blinding sun made passing fun,
Particularly in a bog.
A glimpse of hope, as their defence broke,
Patrick hit the back of the net,
We were back in the lead and just had to pray,
Their long balls would fail to beget.
But lo! A Phoenix throwing found their dwarf,
Who was marking him? Who knew!
He skinned two, then three, and shot with glee,
To even up: 2-2!
Throwings, throwings, everywhere (particularly down the left hand side),
But still our attack faltered,
Decs ended up in centre back,
Our strategy thus altered.
With minutes to go, we won a corner,
Only for it be called goal kick!
After 90 minutes of unpunished late tackles,
We concluded the ref was a p****.
They long-balled again, but this time there was
Confusion across our back line,
A man was found, he thumped a round,
They led, with little time.
Phoenix had come back from the ashes
Of the first half, and we were beat,
Even a Vinnie Jones-style tackle from Patrick,
Failed to rouse the Elite.
But who to blame? Ross missed a sitter,
The fault is his methinks,
But then my memory of the whole match is clouded,
By Greg’s night of leaving drinks.’
The Footballer, whose hair is spiked,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is gone: and now the Basque patron
Turned towards the exit door.
He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder, wiser, hungover man,
He rose the morrow morn.
Adam – 3
Patrick – 2
Steveo - 1
Write up: Louis
Elite 1 - Olympic 1
Last Saturday involved a below par morning in the maimai, so I was eager to return to the theatre of dreams that is Macalister Park. After a downpour on Friday night that any duck hunter would fiend, the pitch surface looked perfect for the impending clash between the fifth and sixth place teams of cap 6. Unlike previous occasions, an uncharacteristically soft top on the rolling hills of pitch number two greeted the lads.
CJ, with many Elite vs Olympic clashes under his belt, pumped the team up with an inspirational pep talk. The effects of the previous night were eliminated and we got underway. The opening 15 minutes saw some of the best football that has graced the pitch this season.
The passing was fluid. Between the backs. Between the midfield. Between the forwards. It could not be faulted. We were moving forward well, with opportunities coming in the form of nicely worked balls to Ross as always. Sitting back a little, Clem was repeatedly dropping some pinpoint bombs over the top of the defence. Adam was unlucky not to score on a number of occasions from these balls, going ever so slightly wide of the goal. One of the highlights of this spell would have to have been Ross’ bicycle kick from 20 yards out, only for it to drop in front of the opposition keeper.
As time went on, we eased back slightly. Our once Barcelona-esque play soon fell away while Patrick was unlucky to have his powerful snap shot stopped. All the while the defence were holding more than adequately. Minimal opportunities came for the opposition, as Dave “De Gea” in the sticks stopped anything coming his way. An incredible dive to the right and an outstretched palm kept Elite in the game. Niall soon blew the whistle to conclude the first half.
We all knew we were very much in the game at half time, with unconverted chances on everyone’s minds.
The opening minutes of the second half could only be described as that of a barrage at our goal. The opposition seemed camped in our half for nearly the opening 10. The odd shot made its way through to Dave who had no difficulties.
However, the corner count was rising with an endless string of them that tested the defence. From that point onwards, we took over and put some good pressure on. Clem, Ross, Patrick and Ants were hounding the back 5 (or was it the whole team?) while the opposition parked the bus. Both teams knew the game was on a knife-edge as we pushed forward and they looked dangerous on counter attack. Soon enough, the opposition striker pounced on an incisive through ball, where it was deftly chipped it over Dave. Despite this, Elite continued to push forward with our heads held high. A flurry of corners put the heat back on Olympic, but their defence remained as hard as the pitch before rain.
Yet another corner was awarded to us sometime late in the 80’s. Crispy stepped up to take it. Straight out of a FIFA game, he nailed a pinpoint low cross that made its way into the mixer. Decs found himself at the near post who flicked it in to the goal for a well-deserved equaliser. The game carried on as it had, with no other real opportunities before the game concluded.
Regardless of the result, we played some good football that we can take into future fixtures. Sharing the points was a fair result for both teams who fought and defended well for most of the match.
Dave - 3 points: great performance with many outstanding saves that no doubt kept us in the match.
Clem - 2 points: Continuously hounded the opposition and made some exceptional balls.
Damo, Ants - 1 point each: Went about their business like troopers with a solid all-round performance.
Write-up By Ganes
Elite 9 - 0 Lower Hutt
As Saturday rolled round and I awoke with a dryness of throat and a slight headache, I found the sun shining and cool breeze to shake off last night’s litre steins - prost. Life was good. Today was football day. But first I had to spend a few hours removing the many bricks from my new house and time was running short. I hastily dove out to the badlands of Newtown and was soon covered in soot and dust. What a day. What a lovely day. Ganesy driving to the Hutt:
Unfortunately come warm up it turned out the mornings work had already done me in and I felt less than my usual vigorous self. Luckily for me however the team was in good order and took to the opposition under the leadership of Imperator Ryanator:
After a quick prayer to the football gods, the ball moved freely in our favour and it was not long before we found the back of the net through Clem. Or I think Clem. Who started as he meaned to finish, running around the park like a mad man possessed. He attacked, scored and defended at every opportunity. Which was great for me as I misjudged many a ball in my lackluster statebut Clem or Damo was always there.
Some further play up the wings and through the centre saw the opposition midfield…. (Well actually, we didn’t see the opposition midfield because they were nowhere to be found) crumble away with Patrick showing off some impromptu juggling abilities before stubbing the ball into the back of the net for our second. I believe Greggors scored the first of his hatrick after this as he pushed forward from the line (I actually have no idea of the order of goals so feel free to correct). Ross also got the first of his hatrick I believe or was it Deks? Was it even 4-0 at half time? Bit of a blur as I took in some high octane crazy blood to get me through the second half. Either way we were winning!
The opposition had a couple of good chances and almost came away with a goal after a man got free in a corner and hit the post. Somewhere in a grassy maimai with a brace of ducks, Stevo felt a disturbance before returning to the hunt. Stevo duck hunting:
Otherwise the opposition rarely threatened the solid defence and our cat like goalie. I certainly felt a lot of comms were going around (or I was just being shouted a lot) and the majority of loose play was easily picked up with Roger racing down the left and Greg and Damo leading the charge in the centre. Damo again throwing himself around the park like a monster. Damo and Ganesy in defence:
As we settled into the second half we further established our dominance early on, pushing the ball out to the wings and back to the centre of the pitch for some cracking football. Any saved attempts by the Mooseknuckle backs generally found a corner where Greggors punished the lack of defence and deftly headered in two more goals. Ross pushed on with two as well running the defence ragged with his speed and pondering whether the golden boot really was made of gold. Imperator Ryanator also bagged a goal I believe, leading from the front, while others were unlucky to not come away with one or two like our hardman Niall and weaving maestro, Disco Stu. Crispy, who ran more than any game I can recall terrorised the left wing. I imagine it was because he may have been trying to stop the beams of sunlight from touching his skin, but crack on lad.
Someone managed to take a pic from the sideline and I feel it really captured our awesomeness and the heat of the day if you will. It is a bit blurry though so you might have trouble recognizing everyone:
Full credit to great all round game lads and a well-deserved 9-0 win!
Hard to give points out considering everyone did well but here goes:
Clem 3 points – solid all round mate. You were a presence on the pitch and I’m pretty sure the opposition are scared of you.
Damo 2 points – Another solid game for the little general. Other than the slip up/cockiness near the end.
Gregg & Ross 1 point each – hatricks and constantly getting stuck in. What more can you ask for.
Unfortunately I won’t be available next game due to work but according to autoscore we should be fine... Might be a bit tougher then suggested however. Good luck lads.
Write-up by Dec
Elite 1 - 1 Seatoun
After a fantastic win last week we returned to McAlister park where we had destroyed Wainui the previous week and we now had a full squad. What could stop us? The league fu(king leaders could.
Another cracking day meant some pale freaks still needed sunscreen and the pitch was bone dry. The warm up passing drills were showing trails of dust wherever the ball was kissing the surface. Some shooting drills warmed the crossbar up which came in handy later. Our warm up showed we were ready to pass like Barcelona and take 60 shots in the game...em….yeah….em
Anyway, we didn’t start fantastically well but after about 3 minutes Ross cut the ball across to Clem who somehow managed the fire wide when he was in an acre(4046.85642 square metres) of space. It was however Ross’s fault for not shouting “Time!”.
Seatoun got into the game and started to dominate possession and created a few good chances including hitting the crossbar twice quickly in succession. We just couldn’t get our game together, struggling with our passing and not making many tackles. Greg sorted this out by clattering one of their midfielders with one of his trademark tackles. Dave lined up the wall. Their midfielder stepped up and stroked it around the wall. 1-0 Seatoun. Lots of funny looks directed towards the wall but it looked like it went around it. I’m pretty sure Dave got a fine for it.
We didn’t really create anything from open play having lots of throw ins and corners which were poor (I’ve changed this adjective 16 times). From one of the corners however we seemed destined to score from about a yard but just couldnt manage to scramble it over and the chance was gone.
Half time came and the general feeling was that the performance hadnt been great but we were still well in the game.
It didn’t inspire us and the first 20 minutes of the second-half was even worse than what had gone before.
Suddenly the game just opened up and it became stretched. Clem and Ross started getting on the ball a bit more in the final third but the final ball just seemed to let us down and we nearly got punished.
First their best player turned quickly from about 30 yards and pinged it. It seemed destined to go over Dave into the roof of the net but Dave leapt like a salmon and got his fingertips on it and it clanged off the bar. Then the same guy went through 1-on-1 with Dave from a long ball. IN oceans of space there was only going to be one result. He tried to jink by Dave but Dave read it and leapt perfectly to his right onto the ball killing it.
A minute later the ball came into Ross at the edge of the box. He tried to turn but took a terrible touch which turned into a fantastic through ball for Dec who took 2 quick touches before side-footing it into the far corner off the post.
Only a couple of minutes remained. Both teams seemed happy enough with a draw and Ross get poleaxed for not accepting this.
THis was a struggle after a pretty poor performance on a poor surface. Defence did ok. Midfield didn’t get into game and forwards struggled but were feeding off scraps
2 - Roger. He hasn’t been mentioned in report but he did well defensively using his pace to cover. His distribution was good and you always knew what he was planning on doing. If only he could throw the ball...
1 - Dave - 2 cracking saves
1 - Damo - high-viz jacket - hard as nails - typical performance
1 - Stevo - Solid when not wandering
1 - CJ - Did well covering for Stevo when he wandered
Haha the whole defence got points. I think thats about right when we didn’t really pass, tackle, or create anything.
Elite Match Reports